How to Include Grandchildren in Goodbye Visits When a Grandparent Is Dying

A gentle guide for helping children of all ages say goodbye to a dying grandparent with love and understanding. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually help.

1. Prepare yourself first. Before involving your children, take time to process your own emotions and grief. Talk with your spouse, a counselor, or trusted friend about what you're feeling. Children pick up on adult anxiety, so getting support for yourself first helps you be more present and calm for them. Decide what you're comfortable sharing and practice saying it out loud. Remember that it's okay to cry in front of your children—it shows them that sadness is a normal part of loving someone.
2. Have an honest conversation beforehand. Sit down with your children in a quiet, comfortable space when you won't be interrupted. Use simple, clear language to explain that Grandma or Grandpa is very sick and will die soon. Avoid phrases like 'sleeping' or 'going away' which can be confusing. Let them know that you'd like them to have a chance to say goodbye if they want to. Emphasize that this is their choice—some children may not want to visit, and that's perfectly okay. Answer their questions honestly, using age-appropriate language. Let them know it's normal to feel scared, sad, or even curious.
3. Explain what they might see and experience. Prepare children for what the visit might be like. Explain that Grandpa might look different—perhaps thinner, sleeping more, or breathing differently. If there's medical equipment, describe what they'll see and hear in simple terms. Let them know that Grandma might not be able to talk much or might seem very tired. Reassure them that their grandparent can still hear them and feel their love, even if they can't respond the same way as before. If your children seem anxious about these changes, remind them that the person they love is still there inside.
4. Plan meaningful activities for the visit. Think of simple ways your children can connect with their grandparent. They might want to share a favorite story, sing a song together, or show artwork from school. Bringing photo albums can spark gentle conversations about happy memories. Some children like to record themselves reading a favorite book or telling their grandparent about their day. Drawing pictures or writing letters (with help if needed) gives children something concrete to do with their hands while processing big emotions. Keep activities short and follow your child's lead—they may want to leave after just a few minutes, and that's fine.
5. Support them during the visit. Stay close to your children throughout the visit and watch for signs they need a break. Some children might become overwhelmed and need to step outside or take a walk. Others might surprise you with how naturally they interact. Let them approach their grandparent at their own pace—some kids will want to hold hands or give gentle hugs, while others prefer to stay nearby but not touch. If your child asks questions during the visit, answer them honestly and simply. Remember that children often process difficult situations differently than adults, and there's no 'right' way for them to behave.
6. Help them say what's in their hearts. Encourage your children to share their feelings, but don't force specific words. You might suggest they tell Grandma about something fun they did recently, or share a favorite memory they have together. Help younger children by offering simple phrases like 'I love you' or 'Thank you for being my grandpa.' If they want to say they'll miss their grandparent, support that too. Some children find it easier to whisper their goodbye or to speak quietly just to you to pass along. Let them know that whatever they want to say—or not say—is perfect.
7. Follow up after the visit. After leaving, check in with your children about how they're feeling. Some kids will want to talk right away, while others need time to process. Let them know they can ask questions anytime, even if it's days or weeks later. If they express regret about something they said or didn't say, reassure them that their grandparent knows how much they're loved. Consider starting a memory book or box where children can put special items that remind them of their grandparent. Continue talking about the person you've lost—sharing stories keeps their memory alive and helps children understand that love doesn't end when someone dies.