Navigating Big Feelings and Tantrums

Explore common approaches to supporting children during emotional outbursts while maintaining connection and calm. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually help.

1. Understanding the Root of the Outburst. Many developmental psychologists suggest that tantrums are not necessarily acts of defiance, but rather expressions of frustration when a child lacks the language or cognitive tools to manage overwhelming feelings. When children are tired, hungry, or overstimulated, their ability to regulate their emotions is significantly reduced. Parents who approach these moments with curiosity often find it helpful to look for the underlying need. By observing the context of the tantrum, caregivers can often identify if the child is seeking independence, needing physical comfort, or simply hitting a limit of their current capacity.
2. Common Approaches to Emotional Support. Some families utilize a 'co-regulation' approach, where the parent focuses on staying calm and present while the child experiences their feelings. This involves acknowledging the child's emotion—for example, 'I see that you are very frustrated because you wanted the blue cup'—without necessarily giving in to the demand. The goal is to provide a safe container for the emotion to pass. Others may prefer a 'time-in' strategy, where the child is encouraged to sit with the parent in a quiet space until they feel regulated. This differs from punitive measures by emphasizing that the child is not being isolated for their behavior, but rather supported in returning to a state of calm. Each family may find that different techniques work depending on the child's temperament and the specific situation.