How to Respect a Parent's Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Order

Learn how to honor and support your parent's DNR decision while navigating this difficult time with family. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually…

  1. Understand what a DNR means. A DNR is a legal document that tells medical professionals not to perform CPR (chest compressions, electric shocks, or breathing tubes) if your parent's heart stops or they stop breathing. It doesn't mean stopping all medical care - your parent can still receive comfort care, pain medication, and treatment for other conditions. The DNR only applies to resuscitation efforts. Make sure you understand exactly what your parent's DNR covers, as there can be different types with varying instructions.
  2. Have open conversations with your parent. If your parent is able to communicate, talk with them about their wishes and the reasoning behind their DNR decision. Ask questions about what's important to them and what kind of care they do want to receive. These conversations help you understand their values and can guide other medical decisions that might come up. Listen without trying to change their mind - this is about understanding and supporting their choice, not agreeing or disagreeing with it.
  3. Make sure all family members understand. Share information about the DNR with siblings and other close family members. Everyone needs to be on the same page to avoid conflicts during medical emergencies. Some family members might struggle with the decision or want to override it. Explain that a DNR reflects your parent's own wishes and that honoring it shows respect for their autonomy. Consider family meetings or involving a social worker if there are strong disagreements.
  4. Ensure medical teams know about the DNR. Make sure the DNR document is easily accessible and that all healthcare providers know about it. Keep copies in multiple places - with your parent, in their medical records, and with family members. If your parent moves between different care settings, verify that the new team has received and understands the DNR. In emergencies, emergency responders need to see the official DNR document, so keep it somewhere visible if your parent lives at home.
  5. Focus on comfort and quality of life. A DNR doesn't mean giving up on care - it means shifting focus to comfort and quality of life. Work with medical teams to ensure your parent receives excellent pain management, emotional support, and care for their daily needs. This might include physical therapy, social activities, favorite foods, or spiritual care. Ask about palliative care services, which specialize in comfort and quality of life for people with serious illnesses.
  6. Prepare for emotional challenges. Respecting a DNR can feel like you're not fighting hard enough for your parent, but remember that you're honoring their wishes and values. It's normal to feel sad, scared, or even angry about the situation. Seek support from counselors, support groups, or chaplains. Some family members might blame you for 'giving up' - remind them and yourself that following your parent's DNR is an act of love and respect.