Supporting Big Feelings at Home

Explore common approaches for helping children navigate strong emotions through co-regulation and validation. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually help.

1. The Philosophy of Co-Regulation. Many child development specialists emphasize the concept of co-regulation, which suggests that children learn to manage their emotions by observing and interacting with a calm adult. When a child is in the midst of a tantrum or emotional storm, their nervous system is often dysregulated. Parents who remain calm provide an external anchor, helping the child eventually mirror that stability. This approach does not mean ignoring boundaries or allowing harmful behavior; rather, it prioritizes the connection before the correction. By acknowledging the feeling—'I see you are frustrated because we have to leave the park'—parents validate the child's internal experience without necessarily changing the external outcome.
2. Common Approaches to Emotional Support. Some families utilize a 'name it to tame it' strategy, where the parent helps the child label their emotion. Research suggests that labeling an emotion can activate the prefrontal cortex, which helps dampen the activity in the amygdala, the brain's emotional center. By simply identifying that a child is feeling 'disappointed' or 'overwhelmed,' the intensity of the feeling may begin to subside. Other parents prefer a 'quiet presence' approach. This involves staying physically close to the child during an outburst without talking, offering a supportive touch if the child is receptive. This method respects the child's need for space to process their feelings while ensuring they do not feel abandoned during a difficult moment.