Supporting Children Through Big Feelings

Explore common approaches to helping children navigate intense emotions and develop self-regulation skills. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually help.

1. Approaches to Emotional Regulation. Many parents utilize 'co-regulation,' where the adult remains a calm, steady presence to help the child settle their nervous system. This approach suggests that children learn to manage their own emotions by observing how their caregivers handle stress. By acknowledging the feeling—'I see you are frustrated that playtime is over'—parents validate the child's experience without necessarily changing the boundary or expectation. Another common philosophy involves 'emotion coaching,' which emphasizes identifying and labeling feelings as they occur. Research suggests that when children have the vocabulary to describe their internal states, they are often better equipped to communicate their needs before a situation escalates into a full emotional display. This method focuses on listening and providing space for the child to express themselves in a safe environment.
2. Understanding the Tradeoffs. Every family approaches emotional regulation differently, and what works during one developmental stage may need adjustment as a child matures. Co-regulation requires a significant amount of patience and emotional bandwidth from the caregiver, which can be difficult during high-stress times. Some parents find that stepping away to regulate their own emotions first is a necessary step before they can effectively support their child. It is also common to observe that siblings may respond to different strategies based on their unique temperaments. A strategy that helps one child feel heard might feel intrusive to another. Observing how your child responds to different forms of support can help you tailor your approach to their specific personality.