Supporting Children Through Big Feelings

Explore common approaches to helping children navigate intense emotions and develop self-regulation skills. HowTo: Family Edition: family how-tos that actually help.

1. Understanding Emotional Development. Children are often learning to identify and express complex emotions before they have the neurological maturity to regulate them. Many developmental psychologists suggest that 'big feelings' are not a sign of poor parenting, but rather a reflection of a brain that is still building its executive function and impulse control. Parents who view these moments as opportunities for co-regulation—where a parent acts as a calm anchor for the child—often find that the intensity of outbursts decreases over time. The goal is not necessarily to stop the feeling, but to provide a safe container for the child to experience and eventually process it.
2. Common Approaches to Regulation. One approach involves validating the emotion while setting boundaries on the behavior. For example, a parent might say, 'I see that you are frustrated that we have to stop playing, and it is okay to be frustrated, but it is not okay to hit.' This approach aims to separate the child's internal experience from their external actions. Another common method is the 'pause and breathe' technique. By modeling deep breathing or taking a moment of silence when the child is dysregulated, parents demonstrate a strategy for calming the nervous system. Some families find that creating a quiet, low-stimulation space where a child can retreat when overwhelmed helps them learn to recognize their own need for a break.