How to Stay Calm When You Feel Angry

Learn practical techniques to manage anger and teach your children healthy ways to stay calm during frustrating moments.

  1. Recognize the Early Warning Signs. Anger doesn't appear out of nowhere - your body gives you signals before you reach the boiling point. Common signs include a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched fists, feeling hot, or shallow breathing. Teach yourself and your children to notice these physical changes. When you catch anger early, you have more options for managing it. Help kids identify their own warning signs by asking questions like 'What does your body feel like when you start getting mad?' The earlier you notice anger building, the easier it is to use calming strategies.
  2. Use the STOP Technique. When you feel anger rising, immediately use STOP: Stop what you're doing, Take a deep breath, Observe how you're feeling, and Proceed thoughtfully. This simple technique creates space between the trigger and your reaction. Teach this to children using simple language: 'Stop your body, breathe slowly, notice your feelings, then choose what to do next.' Practice this technique when everyone is calm so it becomes automatic during stressful moments. The goal is to pause long enough to think before acting on angry impulses.
  3. Try Deep Breathing Exercises. Deep breathing activates your body's natural calming response. Try the 4-7-8 technique: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and breathe out for 8 counts. For younger children, use simpler methods like 'smell the flower' (breathe in slowly) and 'blow out the candle' (breathe out slowly). You can also try belly breathing - put one hand on your chest and one on your stomach, then breathe so only the bottom hand moves. Practice these techniques regularly, not just when angry, so they become natural tools your family can use.
  4. Use Physical Movement to Release Tension. Anger creates physical energy that needs an outlet. Safe physical activities can help release this tension without causing harm. Try jumping jacks, running in place, doing wall push-ups, or taking a quick walk. For children, create an 'anger workout' with activities like stomping feet, doing arm circles, or squeezing and releasing their fists. Dancing to music, hitting pillows, or even vigorous cleaning can also help. The key is choosing activities that tire out your body in a positive way while giving your mind time to calm down.
  5. Create a Calm-Down Space. Designate a specific area in your home where family members can go to cool off. This isn't a punishment spot - it's a safe retreat. Include comfort items like soft pillows, fidget toys, books, or calming music. For children, let them help create this space and choose what goes in it. The calm-down space should feel welcoming and peaceful. Teach family members that it's okay to say 'I need to go to my calm-down space' when they feel overwhelmed. This gives everyone permission to take breaks when emotions run high.
  6. Practice Positive Self-Talk. What you say to yourself during angry moments matters. Replace thoughts like 'This is awful' or 'I can't handle this' with calmer statements like 'This is frustrating, but I can handle it' or 'I'm angry right now, and that's okay.' Teach children simple phrases like 'I can stay calm,' 'This feeling will pass,' or 'I'm learning to handle big feelings.' Write these phrases down and post them where everyone can see them. Practice saying them together during calm moments so they're ready when needed.
  7. Address the Problem After Calming Down. Once you've used calming strategies and feel more in control, it's time to address what made you angry. Talk about the situation when everyone involved is calm. Use 'I' statements like 'I felt frustrated when...' instead of 'You always...' Help children learn to express their needs and feelings clearly after they've calmed down. Sometimes the solution is an apology, sometimes it's a conversation about rules or expectations, and sometimes it's agreeing to handle things differently next time. The goal is to solve problems, not to punish or blame.